It's okay to fall apart

I can't be glass half full today...

I’m not posting wins or fighters today. At this point it’s because I don’t really have time now that I’ve wasted half the day, but when I made the decision last night, it was because I just couldn’t.

I’m very good at finding a half full glass when it comes to fascism, because, I believe deep in my heart and brain that we will get through this. I am confident that this is only temporary.

I work hard to feel that way, but I have so much hope for the future.

But Brown, Bondi Beach and Rob and Michele Reiner?

I got nothing.

Gun violence is going to take a long time to get better. And, Australia has great gun control laws so it was literally just a one time thing, unlike Brown.

But Australia wasn’t actually about guns, it was about hate, it was about antisemitism, the oldest hatred in the world, that’s certainly not going away anytime soon.

And addiction can be deadly to the person who is addicted and those around them. Yeah we can and must do better when it comes to supporting those who are addicted, but addiction isn’t going away.

Not to mention it’s fucking Rob Reiner, one of the best activists there has been, someone who I could truly call a “mensch” in every single meaning of the word (that means a truly good person in Yiddish).

So, I’m just stuck. Three things in a row that just feel kinda helpless.

And then there was all the outpouring of support for the Jewish community, to try and drown out the hate, that I’m so thankful I didn’t see. But it also brings up the sense of being the token tragedy of the week, which is totally a me thing and, I’m sure not intentional.

This weekend just made me feel numb. I also never heard from anyone. I reached out to a few of my Jewish friends but no one reached out to me first, and there’s this niggling in the back of my head saying “are they posting cause they care, or posting cause they want the recognition for giving a shit?”

Then there’s the whole “I care about the Jews, not the zionist” thing, and I’m thinking, I saw you like my post explaining Zionism last week, did you just…forget?

And the the absolute whiplash of the fact that it was the first night of Chanukah, and it’s our only holiday that is literally based on history, not a fable, where we actually survived. We are celebrating a small army defeating a much much bigger army, and if that isn’t a metaphor for right now, I don’t know what is.

We sing songs about justice and freedom, about surviving when everything in the universe is against that idea. And it’s supposed to be history, we expect it to be history, we do not go into Chanukah preparing to live through it. To be reminded that we are STILL the smallest army and everything in the universe still wants us dead.

It’s a reminder and a wake up call, sure, but it’s also just sad, and heartbreaking and exhausting.

So, of course there are wins today, in fact, I have a list of 18, actually. I have the ones I was going to post today all set and ready to go…

But, I couldn’t.

I think it’s okay sometimes to just sit in that helpless feeling, to wallow and be scared. I think it has to be. Otherwise we’re gonna burn out. If we always bury that fear and pain it’s gonna end up coming out in some extended way we can’t get out of.

So, I’m spending today in fandom land (no I will not be telling you which one) and maybe I’ll do a crossword or read, I will find my fighters for tomorrow and celebrate Chanukah with a kugel (Eastern European Jewish casserole, kinda) made out of the sad attempts of last night’s latkes (that literally tasted like shit, I have never been so unsuccessful with latkes in my entire life), and tomorrow I will take a deep breath, and get dressed and get back to work.

So here’s me giving you permission to fall apart. Take the day. This weekend fucking sucked in ways we can’t really fix. It’s okay to sit in that. As long as you get up tomorrow, or the next day and continue to fight. Deal?